A decision isn't something to stick to. It's something you do in a moment, maybe in many successive moments, over and over.
- gaps where I did no work and could barely bring myself to think about it,
- new-makings of the decision, as if from scratch, as if I had never done it before on days when it became clear to me how important this thing was to me or to someone looking at the images and telling me about her experience of them, or of her body or of other people's perceptions of her body
- re-makings of the decision when tired, confused, worried, disappointed in my work, to keep going
...in these moments, decision-making was totally fresh. I had not failed to stick to it. I had never known it like this before.
Not that it felt like that then.
This is what's happening even if we don't believe it, even if we don't believe in ourselves or each other. A decision is not a thing you make once, fix in time and space, and stick to.
A decision is not an idea or place or thing. It's a process. A decision is something you bring into being. That you embody or that you conjure up and pour into yourself, an elixir you drink in that feeds you. Facilitates you moving forward from vision/idea to hands.
It's not static or solid.
It's layered, dimensional, active.
It's not a place you stand on resolutely not stepping off.
It doesn't fit in your hands.
It's a moment-to-moment thing you do, an ongoing practice.
So, decide. again.